Just a quick note to let you all know that I had to euthanize Miss Gracie yesterday...it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I'm still second guessing myself as to whether I should've waited a bit longer. But she just had so many physical problems (heart murmur, enlarged heart, collapsed trachea, low thyroid, bad joints, liver numbers going up and down, skin allergies, weak back legs), and then on Monday, she started having seizures, became very confused and restless, and didn't want to eat anymore. (That was one of my conditions when I thought hypothetically about making the decision to put her down--Gracie always loved her food!) She stopped seizing, but she continued to be very mentally confused--jumping up on things that weren't there, pacing around the house constantly & staring at nothing, bumping into objects even though she could still see, and falling down a lot.
I was hoping against hope that the vet would have some miracle cure to pull out of his pocket so that I could keep her with me longer, but he said even if we got her through this episode somehow, he was pretty convinced Gracie had Cushings and a tumor in her pituitary gland, and at her age and with everything else wrong with her, the vet didn't hold out much hope for a good recovery prognosis. So I made the decision to put her down...I didn't want her to have anymore seizures (I know how awful those are, being an epileptic), to be in any kind of pain, or to be agitated and fearful of everything around her due to mental problems. Of all the animals I've ever had to euthanize, Gracie went the quickest and most peacefully...I was holding her in my arms, telling her how much I loved her and what a good girl she is, and within five seconds or less, it was over. Dr. Treat says that showed she really was ready to pass because she didn't fight it. I didn't want to let them take her away from me, and as soon as they did, the agony and second-guessing started.
I'm stunned, empty, grief-stricken, lonely, guilty and heavily sedated right now. She was my constant companion, my source of independence, my comic relief, the only one who really understood me and loved me. We were always together, 24/7, ever since I first got her back in 2002. I never spent a night away from her except when I was in the hospital. The house seems empty and quiet without the tapping of her toenails, and I couldn't sleep last night because she wasn't pressed up against my back, hogging the entire bed and trying to push me onto the floor.
They say time heals all wounds, but I don't think I'll ever get over this loss. I love you more than anything in the world, Graces, and I'm grateful for every second we spent together. My life will never be the same, and I'm not sure I can go on without you. I'm so sorry, please forgive me, and don't hate me for what I did...I just couldn't stand the thought of you suffering. Love you and miss you so much, my sweet girl...bless you and thank you for everything you did for me.
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Edited by GoGreyhound, 22 August 2009 - 09:50 PM.