How do I hear the echoes of my fathers respiratory failure in every breath Pneumo takes? I know this entry is crossing a boundry for me. It is going from letting you know about my dogs, and my superficial me to me releasing all that is pent up since my dad died.
I hear Pneumo breathe all night long, just as I listened to my dad struggle for every breath in his last days of life. We held a bedside vigil for days as the hopsice nurses told us he was not expected to live long. Every gasp and release was a fight to the finish line for dad. It seems Pneumo is replicating Dad's journey at times. As I hear him, in my sleep I think my subconscious plays tricks on me. I dream of my dad every night. Most dreams are dreadful, reminding me of dads suffering and struggles. Upon waking I realize its Pneumie, my little buddy, it breaks my heart all over again.
I have to get him a chest x ray we need to see how far his disease progressed since September, when we adopted him offically.
How did I get to be in this place? I miss my dad SO much, I have an iggy that consumes my heart and spirit that reminds me of my dad every minute I am around him, even in my sleep. It is overwhelming at times. When do we heal? When does this weight get lifted? When will my chest not feel like there is a hole in it and when will I breathe again?