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Pneumo struggles

Posted by letumrun, 03 January 2009 · 575 views

What do you do when you cant breathe?

How do I hear the echoes of my fathers respiratory failure in every breath Pneumo takes? I know this entry is crossing a boundry for me. It is going from letting you know about my dogs, and my superficial me to me releasing all that is pent up since my dad died.

I hear Pneumo breathe all night long, just as I listened to my dad struggle for every breath in his last days of life. We held a bedside vigil for days as the hopsice nurses told us he was not expected to live long. Every gasp and release was a fight to the finish line for dad. It seems Pneumo is replicating Dad's journey at times. As I hear him, in my sleep I think my subconscious plays tricks on me. I dream of my dad every night. Most dreams are dreadful, reminding me of dads suffering and struggles. Upon waking I realize its Pneumie, my little buddy, it breaks my heart all over again.

I have to get him a chest x ray we need to see how far his disease progressed since September, when we adopted him offically.

How did I get to be in this place? I miss my dad SO much, I have an iggy that consumes my heart and spirit that reminds me of my dad every minute I am around him, even in my sleep. It is overwhelming at times. When do we heal? When does this weight get lifted? When will my chest not feel like there is a hole in it and when will I breathe again?

Meg, I guess you know better than I do, that sometimes people need help to grieve and get beyond it. Are you at that point? as it's hard to read you from so far away. I could write all the stuff we usually exchange to comfort one another, but I'll just say, I wish you peace, and soon. And know too that we're all here for you.
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So sorry Meg! You will never get over it! You just get use to living without the pain! You (like me) carry the weigh of the world on your shoulders.
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I wish you peace, Meg. I went through the exact same experience with my Dad, while hospice took care of him at my parent's home. He tried so hard not to leave my Mom..married for almost 60 years. Now I watch my Mom, who just exists and waits for the time when she and my Dad will be together again. She even opened up his urn, just to feel him....it gives her solace. I'm just happy that my Dad lived a full and happy life...what else could I ask for? I still miss him...he was always there for me and gave such great advice.
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