Happy gotcha day
Posted by letumrun, Sep 15 2009, 04:23 PMPneumo its your gotcha day, I am remarkably sullen and sad. I feel as if I let you down so much today. Thw sun was so warm today, you would have loved it so. I miss you, I wish I could have done more, I would do anything to feel you curled up against me again.
Its been said
Posted by letumrun, Jul 29 2009, 03:16 PM
"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone we love, and it would be wrong to try to find a substitute, we must simply hold out and see it through.
That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long as it remains unfilled, preserves the bond between us.
It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap, He does not fill it, but on the contrary, He keeps it empty and so helps us to keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain."
-Deitrich Bonhoeffer
Although my heart still breaks, it breaks silently, almost as if there is comfort in missing him. My tears aren't so bitter these days, as I know they are purely for me, not his restful soul. I just miss him so!
Pneumo July 15, 2009
Posted by letumrun, Jul 21 2009, 03:57 AM
For every kiss you have given and every time your tail wagged, every bad mood you have forgiven, the time - too short we had,
run free.
Your life became painful, a decision was made to let you go.
My heart won’t stop breaking, “It was for the best” - yes, I know.
Now you are running, the breeze is your friend,
as I feel it wisp by me I am reminded again,
You’re free.
I can feel the sunshine on my face as I wipe my tears away.
Sunshine now makes your coat glisten as you run, chase and play.
Your life here was simple, you wanted love, and a comfy place to stay.
I gave what I could up to that final day.
Then, when life got too hard I let you slip away.
You were set free
Your worldly journey, now complete.
I whispered “Peace be thine.”
Somehow, I will learn to live with this broken heart of mine.
I feel you in the breeze and sunshine,
and in the gentle summer rain and
I feel you in the the promise of “Till we meet again”.
As the days grow shorter
Posted by letumrun, Jul 12 2009, 04:15 PM
This site has given me so much time to reflect on all that life brings about. My last blog entry was about Pneumies birthday. We never actually thought he would make it the day we adopted him. Despite all odds, and ant medical reason, he made his birthday and in to the month of July.
Sadly, his time is coming to an end. My heart is so heavy, but his pain is growing and his breath is shallow. I know the love of my family carried him so far, but it can only do so much.
Today I looked around our "dog" room and saw the pictures of each rescue that came through our home. (On their adoption day we hang an 8X10 on the wall in their honor with the date and their name.) I now have a wall full of faces to look at dogs that I feel I have helped in one way or another. Some don't spin anymore, others are no longer aggressive, some found the perfect home to help with counter surfing, some were nursed back to health, put on weight, lost weight, made happy adoptable dogs.
But Pneumie, sweet Pneumie, I can't help. I am so troubled by this, so profoundly hurt. All the others that I sent on their way, repaired and good to go, but my own baby, I left adopted knowing there was nothing I could do but watch him die.
He is getting aggressive with the other dogs, Kevin and my daughter. His pain is growing in ways I can not understand. I have to understand and be kind to him although I know this will shatter my soul.
I read that to love someone you have to risk the pain of losing them too, here I am at the edge. I would rather feel the pain than him.
I am going to call Dr. Pete in the morning to make a plan for Pneumie. He deserves peace, not pain, breath, not struggles. I would love for him to have fur again to to be able to run and feel a breeze on his back though that fur.
Geeze, it just makes me so sad.
Its your party! Pneumos birthday
Posted by letumrun, Feb 16 2009, 06:50 AM
Pneumo turned 6 today and we are pleased as punch to celebrate! As I have stated before he has taught me so much about making the best out of bad situations and grace under pressure. He has been a gentleman through each breath, even on his bad days. I am not sure I would have been so good natured and kind if I had to fight the same fight. But he continues to teach through his example and I continue to learn what it is to be a good soul.
So Happy Birthday sweet boy. And my deepest hope for many more.
Pneumo struggles
Posted by letumrun, Jan 3 2009, 10:00 AM
What do you do when you cant breathe?
How do I hear the echoes of my fathers respiratory failure in every breath Pneumo takes? I know this entry is crossing a boundry for me. It is going from letting you know about my dogs, and my superficial me to me releasing all that is pent up since my dad died.
I hear Pneumo breathe all night long, just as I listened to my dad struggle for every breath in his last days of life. We held a bedside vigil for days as the hopsice nurses told us he was not expected to live long. Every gasp and release was a fight to the finish line for dad. It seems Pneumo is replicating Dad's journey at times. As I hear him, in my sleep I think my subconscious plays tricks on me. I dream of my dad every night. Most dreams are dreadful, reminding me of dads suffering and struggles. Upon waking I realize its Pneumie, my little buddy, it breaks my heart all over again.
I have to get him a chest x ray we need to see how far his disease progressed since September, when we adopted him offically.
How did I get to be in this place? I miss my dad SO much, I have an iggy that consumes my heart and spirit that reminds me of my dad every minute I am around him, even in my sleep. It is overwhelming at times. When do we heal? When does this weight get lifted? When will my chest not feel like there is a hole in it and when will I breathe again?
Canine compasion
Posted by letumrun, Nov 22 2008, 07:54 AM
I have mentioned Zoe is my heart dog. She has proven this recently to the nth degree. I have mentioned my father died November 9th. I have reacted to his death strongly, I was his only daughter, we worked together, we vacationed togther as a family, and opon his diagnosis, we would spend a great dael of time together, My family has dealt with a great deal of hardship together, but has grown stronger through it all.
Having 5 dogs in house at this time - a time when I feel like becoming a recluse) has been straining. They don't understand the sorrow. They still want to play, their needs must be met in every way. Yet, one dog, seems to understand. Zoe. She cuddles and kisses, she doesn't bark and beg to play. She jumps on the bed and scratches at the covers inviting me in to lay for a while. As if to say "Rest you head momma Life can continue in a bit. For now we can sit and just be" Then she will curl up right next to me take a deep breath and close her eyes.
In a short while, she will life her head and look at me, lick my face and tell me in her own way its time to move on. Her tail will staart wagging and I know she is right. She is healing my heart a little bit at a time. Her spirit is so big for such a little dog. She carries me through those sad days -(Its strange what triggers the tears. Why they play Christmas music in early Novemebr is beyond me)
During those times when life has you down, its good to be thankful for those little hearts beating next to yours. Their shoulders are stronger than one might think.
Numb but the tears don't stop
Posted by letumrun, Nov 16 2008, 07:12 AM
My fathers death is so new, but we HAVE to keep moving on. My daughters 5th birthday was Friday and her birthday party with all her classmates was yesterday. Paste on a smile and muddle through. Its a good thing I am numb to things I suppose. I hardly remember the funeral, just hundreds of people standing in line for hours to pay their respects to myself, my brothers and my mom. Fo the two days of visitation, we had hundreds of people pass thorugh the funeral home telling me how great my dad was. I just want him here, happy and healthy, celebrating my daughters birthday with us. This is all a bad dream, I have never been so exausted, sorrow filled and dazed at the same time.
I know there is some line about time healing all wounds, right now it seems like a lot of BS.
Euphemisms
Posted by letumrun, Nov 9 2008, 04:39 AM
I have always found it strange how we refer to dying as passing away or losing someone. As if I misplaced them and I will find them soon. Dying, though it may be a natural part of the life cycle, is not natural to accept. This morning that became rather evident.
My father died. He struggled so long with MSA, and gently he stopped breathing. Our Lord showed mercy in my fathers death after a 7 year illness.
I hurt so bad. What more can I say?
More and More
Posted by letumrun, Nov 2 2008, 04:17 PM
When we adopted Pneumo we knew his health was not the best. His breathing is gettin worse and worse and he relies on his inhaler more and more these days. He is up to using his rescue inhaler 3 or 4 times a day now. I hate to hear him struggle and our vet told us if it helps use it to help make him comfortable. We use it as frequently as he needs it. The poor guy struggles, and it is hard to watch him sometimes. Today we went for a walk and he went to the end of our driveway and across the street. His breathing became so belabored, I carried him for a while and then returned home. I see that paniced look in his eyes, I try to hold him close without putting pressure on his chest. It is so strange how another creatures struggle can become your own.
HE has had a rough few days, we have all had a very rough few days. Yet through his troubles he is mischevious as ever. Trying to get into the halloween candy, always at the kitchen table looking for scaps, scowering the yard to see what is around for him to eat (The prednisone keeps him famished at all times)
There is not a day that goes by that Pneumo doesn't make us laugh out loud with one of his antics and make me cry with his struggle. Gosh I love this dog!
